Someone on another blog yesterday described his ego as "monstrous". That characterization placed me on the back porch of the caboose of a current thought train. Instead of jumping off, I'm going to write it down.
Does it require a large ego to believe in God? I'm going to let the reader define the words "large" and "ego" for him/herself. And I am here referring to a "personal God", not the creator of the Universe.
Almost without exception (I'm sure there must be at least one), every "religious" person I have ever known seems to have had a heightened awareness of self. Now, often this is camouflaged by a default humility in the face of Nature and the "grandeur of God", and the slight feigning of awe at how God could love "L'll ole me". However, when questioned in depth, that righteous ("monstrous"?) ego always asserts itself. It has to. In contemplation of our place in the cosmos, if we are to assume a personal relationship with God Almighty, then we must be pretty frikkin' important.
I was reared in a Christian fundamentalist, non-denominational, immersion-based, inner-city northern church overflowing with large egos. My wife was reared in a Southern Baptist church, also endowed with many large egos, the grandest belonging to her own grandmother. This queen ruled her kingdom (a tobacco farm in the 1950's and 60's) with an iron fist and dispensed justice based upon a weird amalgam of astrology, theology, superstition, and who was born to whom.
My current wife is also my second wife, for I was briefly married at the beginning of adulthood in order that I might morally partake of the pleasures of the flesh. Premarital coitus was not permitted by my church, nor was informal dating until one reached college age, and any attempt at dating in high school was forbidden as "pairing-off". My first marriage failed for obvious reasons, and after a few years alone, I married my current wife 33 years ago.
She has never been religious, nor does she seem to possess a formal belief system. She has never had any interest in thinking about why this is so. I, on the other hand, have always been fairly obsessive about it. At least about my own self. Hence this blog, which is becoming a diary more than anything else. She is humble in a way I could never be. It is actually her nature to be humble. She does take pride in our daughter, and in her own career, so I know (at least) that she actually has an ego, but other than pride of accomplishment, in all these years her actions have been devoted to being kind and serving others. Needless to say, a man could not wish for a better mate.
So I use her as an example -- if only for myself -- of a truly self-less person. All without benefit of a belief system other than the fact that she has, in her words, "a conscience". At the age of nine she was in the rear seat of her mother's car when it was rear-ended by an 18-wheeler going 60 mph. Just before the impact she had been looking out the back window, and she screamed out and hit the floorboard. She was spared serious injury, but claims she "saw my entire life up to that moment just like a movie". Since that moment, she says she has had a conscience.
If she wants to know what I am thinking about, and I tell her, she just laughs and states matter-of-factly -- "Well, I assume I am going to hell after I die, because I have not done enough good in this world". She really means this, as far as I have ever been able to tell, and more importantly -- it does not bother her. I don't think she believes in a personal God. I have never once heard her speak of such, only that it takes "more ego" than she possesses to do so. And the fact that I have, in the past, and continue to explore the possibility now, only confirms her suspicions. She knows I have a pretty well-developed ego.
So then --- how does this woman who seems not to "know" the Spirit become so filled with the "fruits of the Spirit"? How has she managed for 55+ years to avoid entrapment by "the powers and principalities of this world"? She has never tried to "put on the armor of God", nor has she ever engaged in any spiritual battle. How is it that this humble lady has been able to follow in Christ's footsteps without benefit of personal contact? If she doesn't know, then I haven't got a clue.
Very interesting and thought-provoking post :)
ReplyDeleteThere must be a third way between religious and non-religious people. Call it spiritual for want of a better word.
Perhaps that is what your wife lives. She's sucked out the centre and managed to avoid the husk. Awesomeness for her :)
Perhaps God (do you still believe or sense the presence of that personal god out of interest, Sam?) is in that third way as well, more the seed of everything rather than the bullshit husk that Christianity is concerned about because it's too scared to deny itself because it knows it will lose what your wife never bothered gaining in the first place :P
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteI certainly must agree that there is a third way, or I would surely by now have quit banging my head against this wall.
We are by nature tuned somehow to the wondrous and infinite, if only through our appreciation of starry skies, the mountains and the sea, music, sex, etc.
I do not sense the presence of a personal God, and I don't think I ever did. It's the primary reason for my skepticism and doubt about belief and faith.
Many people will say that faith is a gift, but in their lives and based on what they say, it often seems more like a burden, or even a curse.
p.s.
ReplyDeleteSorry -- I re-read what I wrote today, and I did in fact admit to previous belief in a personal God.
You see -- I'm confused about this. I like what you said, and maybe that helped me for the first time admit to myself that in fact I probably never did. I still cannot bring myself to speak of it as an absolute, however. That was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The memory dims.
Sometimes I find it disturbing just how much the memory can dim :)
ReplyDeleteI dunno, the whole area of a personal god is a strange one, isn't it. I have been on both sides of the fence in my spiritual life over the past 20 years. Perhaps I'll sway back again at some point.
Who knows what the hell that ... thing is? But there damn sure is SOMETHING there. Something intangible, slippery, undefinable, refusing-to-be-named :p